Thursday, 11 March 2010

Don't lick the baby!

It's been a while since my last post. No, I don't care about what mundanity you fill your existence with, this is my blog so pay attention to me. In the time I've not been spewing typed bile over the internet, I have managed to run a painting contest at Wargames Inc that I placed dead last in. It seems that artistic ability cannot compete with size or a bare breast when it comes to miniature judging. Don't let the fact that my model has no genitalia on display or is small influence you in any way what so ever, eh? Anyway, here's Mr. Stinky in all his glory -

I have altered the levels to better represent the colours on the model (they are reasonably close to the real model) but it has had the effect of making him look green-screened onto the picture in places. But who gives a fuck, right? It's complete and a reasonable effort for the time and lack of sleep involved. No, I don't know what the sculptor was smoking when he made it. I'm only glad that people like Andy Foster will cast up the more outré models and give aspiring sculptors the chance to shine.

A quick aside - Heresy Miniatures is essentially 3d Palace but with miniatures, so if any members of that community want some great reference models, go buy some. No, you can't fucking torrent it, it's real, for fucks sake. Idiots.

Speaking of idiots, the other day, while selling some random chump a toy he doesn't need I inadvertently offered my services as minipainter to him on commission. Regulars and the fuckers that comprise my customer base will be literally shitting themselves with laughter when I reveal I have to : prep, assemble and paint to completion the Khador Behemoth in six weeks. Well, the muppet is paying my price, so it looks like I'll have to do my best to follow through with my end.

And, seeing as this sort of thing seems to get the Youtube geeks wet, I'll even do an unboxing post so those that don't know what the Behemoth is can get a good look. Personally, what I think you get when you pay your money is a box of what you've bought but you all seem to be masturbating over this kind of thing, so here's some gratification for you.

Please clingfilm the screen, otherwise your dried snail-trail emissions will give everything that special Twilight daytime sparkle.

Starting off, here's a picture of the box. It's reasonably sturdy, and can raise a painful welt on the forehead of random customers who piss me off:

As you can see, it's brownish with a picture on the front and has a price tag. This is the amount of money some random chump or chumpette with a 'Rick Astley is so uber' meme fixation will have to pay. Note it's in Sterling, the only real currency in the world. Why's that, I hear you whine while snorting coke through a straw made of your local monopoly money? By Royal Appointment to the Queen of England, that's why. Don't make me kidnap you and force you to watch Big Brother over and over again.

On to the next picture in our unboxing special episode ... the inner plastic container! Yes folks, included in the price for free is this fetching inner box made of modern plastic which, as we all know, is derived from oil! That's right, in your own little way you are contributing to the war in the Middle East. Actually, you're all responsible for it. Fuckers. Well here it is. The result of your fucking consumer whore lifestyle. Enjoy it, war criminals:

The next picture shows the white metal bits that have to be cleaned and filed and pinned and put together. That's right, it's a lot of work to put a mini together. As it's for olblue, I was tempted to put it in a bag with some superglue and shake it all about and post it off, but it will be painted pink and black so that's enough of the aggro, I suppose. It feels a bit pyrrhic, to be honest, as he's colour blind so it will all look like it's gray anyway. Perhaps he was abducted by aliens and crossed with a skinned chihuahua after being repeatedly probed with a sink. It would explain the baldness. Anyway, the picture:

I've sort of ran out of steam with this. I honestly cannot believe you have the slightest interest in an unboxing but one of the conditions of the commission is to do a stage by stage thing on my blog. You could, of course, buy one yourself and look at it in reality. Oh well. Fills the binary aether, I suppose. It's not like there's a limit to the amount of shit the internet can store.

The next post will have prep details, hints and tips on how to do it properly (i.e. my way) and maybe some other stuff. I was planning on doing a series of reviews on gaming product and an article or two on paint ranges. If I can be bothered. You can comment to let me know what you would like but I probably won't pay any attention to you.

No, I definitely won't pay attention to you. Bastards all.

Angry at bread, because it doesn't taste like it smells when cooking.