Games Expo and other things ...

So I'm back from Games Expo and with Wargames Inc nearly in working order, no less. Rather than working with the shop, I got to volunteer with Privateer Press for the weekend. Being a pressganger, I get points for it (nothing in life is truly free after all) to spend on goodies. It was this sweet deal that led to me being the only person there with a Cryx faction book.

The show itself was great. I got to catch up with some friends who had entered the tourney but, more importantly, I got to catch up with Vishal from over at Café Turbo and get some tips on my choice of Khador force. I felt very dirty afterwards. He's a bad, bad man. I also got to cover the first day of the tournament as a rules lawyer. Aside from the inactivity the best thing about that day was seeing my old mate and Everblight terror Danny Suthalong lose his first game. I enjoyed it so much I just had to shake the winner's hand. In front of Danny. But fuck him, eh?

I had to cover Vish for his half hour break so I got to go to the demo area (really my favourite part of volunteering) and managed to drag Vish out for a cigarette break (and tactical advice) and then made an expanded sale to one of the Guts'n'Gears podcast. Then back to the tourney. Some lovely armies, some great players but on the whole a bit boring. Like watching an interesting game of chess or snooker. It's vaguely fascinating but it's still chess or snooker.

In case you're wondering, I got to stay in the demo area on Sunday (I think Mike had really had enough of my whining about not earning my points on Saturday). Highlights include a really overenthusiastic demo game that led to a lot of sales and hanging with Lee, Steve, Chris and Stuart. I suppose I should really apologise to Stuart. He was the only guy who knew what was going on with the cool new demo game, so even though he was pretty drained I got him to run the game again. and again. And I got to get a disillusioned Retribution player to buy two Hordes battleboxes. But fuck him, eh?

So, a great weekend. Soured only by people's continuing lack of understanding with regards to aesthetics and basic taste. It seems that in order to garner rabid appreciation of your product all you have to do is add spikey bits, circa GW's late eighties/eary nineties approach to Chaos armies. The latest model to appropriate this design ethic is Privateer Press' War Hog. Now, I'm a fan of huge animals ripping things to pieces. I yearn for an army of attack maquaques riding silverback gorillas so much I'm sculpting one myself. The idea of sentient pig men à la Tolkien's Orcs maiming random Warcasters tickles me. One of my favourite low budget horror films is the Australian flick Razorback. What I'm not too keen on is the approach of adding random bits to a solid concept. The minions Rorsch and Brine were cool. Putting a giant, bipedal pig in a plastic bag with Warjack bits and a load of glue, shaking it about and then tipping it out to see what has happened is not cool. Never. Not even if Mike McVey did it. But that seems to be what PP have done with this excrescence:


Now I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, a bio-mechanical warbeast has been on the cards for a while, and if a 13 year old kid showed you this as a conversion then fine. But as a final model? One that will cost over £20? The head is good. It's more realistic than Brine, though it does seem a touch too big. It's when all the other things are added together, the miniature's weaknesses far outweigh it's one 'strength'. What has depressed me is the endless praise this model has received. It's a crappy pastiche of scrapyard and sub-Hirst wankery but you tossers are eating it up. It makes Dominar Rasheth (or Pearl from Blade, in my prior post) look like a work of inspirational genius akin to Da Vinci's bronze horse. What do you mean you've never heard of it? I despair. I really, really do. But fuck me, eh?

Back to the world of models. As I previously mentioned, I really like the Farrow. Brutal pig-men who are imitative of the cultures around them yet with some really great shamanic traditions. You can do some really horrible things with them. The initial models are great, the new Farrow Warlock is wonderful but the core beast is shit.

For those of you who don't think so, I'd like to pitch you an idea for an addition to your Warmahordes: the Farrow Seductress. Mat, Rat, Str, Spd 6, Def 16 and Arm 12, 5 wounds. Her special action is to bring out those geeky, confusing feelings of sexual lust you have for anthropomorphic animal women to such an extent you suffocate from your dried in, unwashed wank sweat. You can see the concept here. But fuck her, eh? Yeah, you sure as shit want to.

New Hordes models continue to be a mixed bag. I can put up with the Razor Worm despite it looking like a half-finished poo dangling from an invisible bumhole (it's true, turn it upside down and see if I'm lying), I can put up with that bloated fat fuck now I have discovered that the Agonizers underneath it freak a mate of mine out so long as I don't have to have it, but denying me an entire faction?


That's just not on. It reeks of pandering to the lowest common denominator (ie you) and excluding people of taste (ie me and a couple of other people). So, an army for the masses, just not for me. But fuck you, eh?

Rob
Angry with anonymity ...

The idea nadir and other moanings ...

Well, it seems that the design aesthetic of my beloved Iron Kingdoms has run it's course and is now moving to the imitative/derivative. Nowhere is this more apparent in the latest release for my fucking Hordes faction, Greasus Goldtooth. Err, sorry, Dominar Rasheth. In complete opposition to the Skorne racial ethic of discipline and all round harshness, the only reason this guy still exists, apparently, is because of his skill taming and training warbeasts. Probably threatens to eat them. However, don't take my word for it, here is the new dominar on the block in all his corpulent glory:
And here is a link to a picture of the Ogre Tyrant overlord, Greasus Goldtooth. Now, I agree that a certain commonality of design will become apparent because the new breed of concept designers have a standardised style due to the film and videogame industry. This is unavoidable, and an ironic reversal of the earlier trend of just plagiarising wholesale from our hobby (Blizzard, I'm looking at you).

However, while homogeneity and a unified logic of design is vital for the film and game worlds (for example, Stuart Sumida can extrapolate how a dragon will move based on his knowledge of real-world comparative anatomy and has taught classes to 3d artists worldwide) this kind of detail isn't really needed in the wargames/role play worlds as pictures and toy soldiers need to stay still and, in the case of toy soldiers, not fall off their bases. The more ridiculous the better, as far as I'm concerned. However, all the World of Warcraft knock-off shit that is oozing through the mini community can fuck right off. You want to pay a fortune to use a chat program with a pretty interface, go right ahead. You want to make models that are integral to my armies look like that shit? No thanks.

Another thing that isn't needed is massive price rises and premium pricing for models based on their in-game effect. Not content with the bare faced (ass) cheek of copying GW's models, Privateer have bravely followed GW's lead on this recently by introducing a Bane Thrall UA that costs £20. That's £10 a model. Just because of what they do in game. Which means a basic baneswarm (because let's face it, one of Goreshade's tiers will remove FA from the Unit Attachment) of 3 minimum-strength Banethralls will cost £90 for the 3 units and £60 for the 6 (yes, fucking six) additional models, bringing the grand total up to £150 without Warcaster, Warjacks or anything else.

What the fuck is going on? As soon as you get success that's it? We're all walking wallets to you? I am pretty disappointed with this attitude at the moment, because I love the Warmachine/Hordes game. Not too keen on the background, although it's getting better. But all this is doing is encouraging the web-based discounter to make it untenable for brick and mortar stores to operate without them diversifying into card games (eeewww) and plastic crack. This has the effect of diluting the customer's spending power which results in less money spent on the thing the shop was set up to sell which means there's less stock ordered and pretty soon you have a cabal of pricks dictating what goes where while they have the manufacturer's collective scrotum firmly attached to their mouths.

It's all about removal of choice.

Rob
Angry at people in particular ...

Cronyism alive and well ...

Just a quick post to let you know that a mate of mine, Vishal Odera has set up a gaming blog with one of his comrades. It's called Cafe Turbo and is fast finding it's feet as a repository of gaming advice, hints and venting spleen. Vish is a fellow Pressganger and all round great bloke, and is always ready to give advice and I find it particularly helpful to have such a knowledgable Warmachine player as advisor.

They also cover 40K and the like, but as I don't play any GW games I can live without that shit. Language is a little fruity and coarse (Unlike this paragon of moral rectitude) but they do have a content warning. Great fun and well written, so go over there and join the community.

Bitches.

Rob
Angry at UA cost

Don't lick the baby!

It's been a while since my last post. No, I don't care about what mundanity you fill your existence with, this is my blog so pay attention to me. In the time I've not been spewing typed bile over the internet, I have managed to run a painting contest at Wargames Inc that I placed dead last in. It seems that artistic ability cannot compete with size or a bare breast when it comes to miniature judging. Don't let the fact that my model has no genitalia on display or is small influence you in any way what so ever, eh? Anyway, here's Mr. Stinky in all his glory -

I have altered the levels to better represent the colours on the model (they are reasonably close to the real model) but it has had the effect of making him look green-screened onto the picture in places. But who gives a fuck, right? It's complete and a reasonable effort for the time and lack of sleep involved. No, I don't know what the sculptor was smoking when he made it. I'm only glad that people like Andy Foster will cast up the more outré models and give aspiring sculptors the chance to shine.

A quick aside - Heresy Miniatures is essentially 3d Palace but with miniatures, so if any members of that community want some great reference models, go buy some. No, you can't fucking torrent it, it's real, for fucks sake. Idiots.

Speaking of idiots, the other day, while selling some random chump a toy he doesn't need I inadvertently offered my services as minipainter to him on commission. Regulars and the fuckers that comprise my customer base will be literally shitting themselves with laughter when I reveal I have to : prep, assemble and paint to completion the Khador Behemoth in six weeks. Well, the muppet is paying my price, so it looks like I'll have to do my best to follow through with my end.

And, seeing as this sort of thing seems to get the Youtube geeks wet, I'll even do an unboxing post so those that don't know what the Behemoth is can get a good look. Personally, what I think you get when you pay your money is a box of what you've bought but you all seem to be masturbating over this kind of thing, so here's some gratification for you.

Please clingfilm the screen, otherwise your dried snail-trail emissions will give everything that special Twilight daytime sparkle.

Starting off, here's a picture of the box. It's reasonably sturdy, and can raise a painful welt on the forehead of random customers who piss me off:


As you can see, it's brownish with a picture on the front and has a price tag. This is the amount of money some random chump or chumpette with a 'Rick Astley is so uber' meme fixation will have to pay. Note it's in Sterling, the only real currency in the world. Why's that, I hear you whine while snorting coke through a straw made of your local monopoly money? By Royal Appointment to the Queen of England, that's why. Don't make me kidnap you and force you to watch Big Brother over and over again.

On to the next picture in our unboxing special episode ... the inner plastic container! Yes folks, included in the price for free is this fetching inner box made of modern plastic which, as we all know, is derived from oil! That's right, in your own little way you are contributing to the war in the Middle East. Actually, you're all responsible for it. Fuckers. Well here it is. The result of your fucking consumer whore lifestyle. Enjoy it, war criminals:

The next picture shows the white metal bits that have to be cleaned and filed and pinned and put together. That's right, it's a lot of work to put a mini together. As it's for olblue, I was tempted to put it in a bag with some superglue and shake it all about and post it off, but it will be painted pink and black so that's enough of the aggro, I suppose. It feels a bit pyrrhic, to be honest, as he's colour blind so it will all look like it's gray anyway. Perhaps he was abducted by aliens and crossed with a skinned chihuahua after being repeatedly probed with a sink. It would explain the baldness. Anyway, the picture:

I've sort of ran out of steam with this. I honestly cannot believe you have the slightest interest in an unboxing but one of the conditions of the commission is to do a stage by stage thing on my blog. You could, of course, buy one yourself and look at it in reality. Oh well. Fills the binary aether, I suppose. It's not like there's a limit to the amount of shit the internet can store.

The next post will have prep details, hints and tips on how to do it properly (i.e. my way) and maybe some other stuff. I was planning on doing a series of reviews on gaming product and an article or two on paint ranges. If I can be bothered. You can comment to let me know what you would like but I probably won't pay any attention to you.

No, I definitely won't pay attention to you. Bastards all.

Rob
Angry at bread, because it doesn't taste like it smells when cooking.

There's no business like (trade) show business ...

Over the weekend, I got to go to Gamesfest 4 with my LGS, Wargames Inc. Awesome, eh? So I decide to get a relatively early night for the 5am Saturday start. One of my neighbours has other plans, however, and regales me with shitty R'n'B and pop music via the too-loud speakers in his fucking car. I'd have loved to swing out and pull an inverted takedown on the bastard, but I'm not Batman.

So, 3 hours of sleep later I'm up and staggering down to meet Martin, a customer who had agreed to drive me to the show and sell shit for Wargames Inc and we're off. It's a long fucking way to Watford (my initial hopes that it would be a quick drive were dashed when I learned that the Watford Gap service station is nowhere fucking near Watford). Setup was ok, we had a good spot and I got my demo table out to run Warmachine battlebox demos all day - easy life.

However, I had forgotten Alessio Cavatore (Skaven Army Book, current 40K) was sending his proxy down to demo Shuuro for the store. When his proxy turned out to be Jervis 'Bloodbowl' Johnson I had to pack my shit away. I mean, some scruffy twat Pressganger or a legitimate games design legend? He's a really nice guy too, so I sold some stuff for Wargames, pointed people in the direction of the big Warmachine demo game and cooly chatted to Jervis (monopolised him with my lickspittle fawning, really). I gave up my demo spot and talked about the old days with the guy who created Bloodbowl. Fucking top one, so far.

I also hung out with Dave from Warlord Games. Their new Black Powder rules, written by Rick Priestly (also a really nice and approachable guy) and Jervis Johnson sound really intriguing. No points values and abuse of the system limited by agreement between friends. That's the main thing behind these rules, getting together with your mates to have fun - the rules are very old school in that respect. I will be wanting one of those, I can tell you. But to blag Martin the 'Big Willie' figure I had to make a sale for them. That's right, I had to schill for Warlord Games to get someone a limited run miniature and that someone wasn't me. Dave's a cheeky bastard.

The day took a slightly sour turn for us when another trader turned up and announced he was selling all his stuff at 50% off RRP. Good for the gamer, I know, but not so good for the trader who is scrabbling for margins in what is, let's face it, a niche market at best. And when he announced a further 25% reduction on his 'overstock' (including Grind, a game from Privateer Press released last week), that was taking the piss. Perhaps he didn't realise a Pressganger would know about Privateer's products. We had to refund any profit made thanks to that. The event organisers, Mark and Walter were really understanding and helped us out as best they could, so thanks to them for that.

The event was stacked with authors, including one of the guys who got me into this hobby, Steve Jackson (no, not the GURPS guy), one of the Fighting Fantasy gamebook creators. The most surreal moment for me was when Jervis (his manner is very disarming, you soon forget he's a GW big cheese) said 'I hope Steve Jackson's here with the Fighting Fantasy guys, I haven't spoken to him in ages'. I did a double take until I realised that Jervis is, actually, a GW big cheese and not one of my mates. Steve Jackson (no, not the fucking GURPS guy) and Jon Green were signing books, as were Graham McNeil and the author of the Brethren trilogy, Robyn Young.

I got to make some new friends (well, let's say I met some people who didn't automatically vomit after spending a couple of minutes with me) and had a good time generally. Definately worth going to.

I got to bed at about 10pm, so a long day for me. Then I got up, feeling a bit ill, and went down to Wargames to get some painting done. It turned out really fucking shit. I hadn't used inks in a long fucking time. Basically, I ruined the Kaelyssa model. That's what I get for following Matt DiPietro's destructions. I'll post pictures later on in the week and leave you with this one bit of advice: if you're ill enough to have to turn down a home-cooked meal (I missed chilli and rice, for fuck's sake) you're not well enough to fucking paint.

The real fucking kicker is that on Monday I felt pretty good. Looks like my crappy immune system crapped out on me, but only for one day.

Shit.

Rob
Angry that days off are full of suffering

First Picture Update

Well, it's a bit of a crappy picture (not enough light) and it turns out Paint.net is not as good as Photoshop (selection tools lick rectum big time) but what the hell. I messed about with levels and the like to get it closer to what it actually looks like but it turned into the same green as Green Stuff (used to make the damn thing). In reality it's a warm green with reddish-brown shading and in the pic it's ... utter bollocks.

I'm trying to get a more naturalistic look, not taking the highlights too high so the armour looks really white (it's actually a really, really pale blue) which should tie in to her dye-job when I paint her hair. Which is why she's wearing a spinach-green cloak (plants are cammo, right?) offset with that stealthiest of colours, bright fucking white. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping on the colour scheme bashing bandwagon (I quite like it) but Matt DiPietro is far better at this lark than I am. He's most likely younger and better-looking than me which makes me want to spew bile like I just drank the world's most potent emetic. Bastards.

White and black are two of the most difficult colours to shade and highlight and thanks to Matt 'Inspirational' DiPietro I've jumped right in - the damn 'jacks are going to be a pain in my ringpiece, lots of smooth surfaces to shade. Mind you, the Ret painting guide in the army book is worth the price alone. That's right, I have an army of these bastards to get through. The plan is to paint every model as well as I can, that way I should improve a bit.

There will be rants aplenty in future, but that's it for this episode. Much Kudos to Matt DiPietro and the Privateer Press painting studio for being inspirational, even if it does make me overreach myself.

First one of you bastards to tell me to 'Paint like I got a pair' gets a half-brick in the fucking face.

Rob
Angry he hasn't got Mike McVey's skills

The obligatory intro post ...

Hola! My name is Rob and I'm a mini painter. I'm back on the wagon after a long lay off, about 15 years or so ...

Ahem.

Yeah, another old fart getting back into the hobby. The ultimate goal is to get to the 2010 Golden Daemon awards and make it through the first cut. That's right, not to win an award (not that I'd say no, mind you) but to be able to produce painting that people other than my mum or those scared of my incredibly foul temper think is ok too.

I'm currently painting (or massively devaluing) Kaelyssa, Night's Whisper, a Retribution warcaster at the moment (slavishly following the destructions in the Ret rulebook by Matt DiPietro) and using P3 paints. It's not going so well, but that's to be expected after such a long layoff. As soon as I get the damn camera to work, I'll post pictures, so you'll just have to take my word for this - it's stunning in it's mediocrity. First cut is seeming quite far away at the moment.

I'll also be giving my thoughts on paint ranges, mini ranges and anything else I need to spew vitriol over. Hell. it's the internet, you don't know who I am, I can get away with pretty much anything on here.

Boobies!!

See?

Oh, and if bad language offends, you might not want to follow along ...

Rob
Angry at people on his lawn