Quick bullshit at late o'clock ...

Okay, here's how it's gonna be from now on. Regular updates for starters. I know, I promised this before but I've hit on a way of placating the moppets who read this shite/are waiting for their commission/are most definitely not hot women looking for a hook-up with a fat, chain-smoking geek.

Regular reviews.

The first proper review will be of Joek's limited edition miniature range, of which I have number 3 of 300. It's an Elf lord with sword upraised on a scenic base or, as we all know all Elves are really pre-menstrual teen girls, She-Ra. I'll then contrast it with the Studio McVey range. Not a comparison, a contrast. Why not a comparison? Because, you fucking idiot, The McVey range is more established. And it is by my idols. For fuck's sake I'll explain more in the aforementioned first proper review.

However, to whet your appetites, here's a quick teaser - a review of Army Painter Matte Black Spray. And a contrast with the Games Workshop spray. I'm in a mellow mood because I'm listening to James live in Manchester (the 'Getting away with it' concert). So not much rudeness.

The Army Painter range of hobby materiel has rapidly gained popularity with gamers because it knows it's target market. Most gamers want an army of models painted quickly to get onto the tabletop, hence a large range of coloured sprays, several types of dip (fucking cheating) and now some pre-clumped static grass. You know, that product that model railway types have known about for decades. However, the core of their range has to be the undercoat and basecoat range of sprays.

The spray I am reviewing is matte black undercoat. Competitively priced and in an area not totally dominated by the 3 ton, senile, nappy-wearing monkey that is Games Workshop, it is still only available in dedicated hobby shops (like Wargames Inc, ho ho) or online. It's the same size as the GW Chaos Black primer but the nozzle gives a much more diffuse spray, covering models more quickly and saving you money by being more efficient (in theory). In practice, it gets everywhere except where you want it on the fucking mini. The paint formulation leans towards the plastic side of acrylic, and it dries to quite a soft finish with no tooth for subsequent layers of paint.

The quality of the finish leaves a lot to be desired too. You either end up painting on a surface like oily glass or (as on my test model, Lich Lord Terminus) a surface like fucking cake. What cake? A two day old cream and jam scone from the fridge - soft and unlikely to accept paint well. I should have known better but I really wanted Terminus covered and ready to go. I have areas of oily glass, areas of cream scone and some areas of no fucking coverage at all. To compound this, I'll be mainly using P3 paints and they seem to need a bit of tooth to adhere nicely, meaning a fun time of painting him beckons.

In all good faith, I can't recommend the spray. It's deceptively wasteful and quality control appears to vary from batch to batch. There have been a few cases of frosting (propellant mixing with the spray) that I know of. This seems to have died down recently so maybe they have got their act together.

I'm in the minority in the store, but the GW undercoat range is still the best. It contracts slightly (a bit like gesso but much less pronounced) when it dries out on the model, forming a tougher coat, and has the slight tooth that makes it a joy to paint over. The nozzle gives a more tightly focused spray which gives greater control and, paradoxically, less waste.

I do like the Army Painter Gray undercoat spray, but you have to really dust the coat on from a slightly further distance than is recommended so you run the risk of a sandpaper texture in the finish.

Conclusions? Stick with the GW sprays (aside from the varnish) and if you want to do some flash painting effects, use black/white zenithal undercoating and be done with it.

So, other news. The Khador Behemoth is put together and waiting for an undercoat. I have the colour scheme worked out, and I shall start it soon. All I have to say about that is I shall never ever have one in my Khador Army. Oh, and thanks to Cris for letting me test out my Khador scheme and work out all the bugs on his model.

Nice.

Rob
Angry that he didn't make the grade, been more loved and less afraid, scored the goal or got the girl ...

Don't lick the baby!

It's been a while since my last post. No, I don't care about what mundanity you fill your existence with, this is my blog so pay attention to me. In the time I've not been spewing typed bile over the internet, I have managed to run a painting contest at Wargames Inc that I placed dead last in. It seems that artistic ability cannot compete with size or a bare breast when it comes to miniature judging. Don't let the fact that my model has no genitalia on display or is small influence you in any way what so ever, eh? Anyway, here's Mr. Stinky in all his glory -

I have altered the levels to better represent the colours on the model (they are reasonably close to the real model) but it has had the effect of making him look green-screened onto the picture in places. But who gives a fuck, right? It's complete and a reasonable effort for the time and lack of sleep involved. No, I don't know what the sculptor was smoking when he made it. I'm only glad that people like Andy Foster will cast up the more outré models and give aspiring sculptors the chance to shine.

A quick aside - Heresy Miniatures is essentially 3d Palace but with miniatures, so if any members of that community want some great reference models, go buy some. No, you can't fucking torrent it, it's real, for fucks sake. Idiots.

Speaking of idiots, the other day, while selling some random chump a toy he doesn't need I inadvertently offered my services as minipainter to him on commission. Regulars and the fuckers that comprise my customer base will be literally shitting themselves with laughter when I reveal I have to : prep, assemble and paint to completion the Khador Behemoth in six weeks. Well, the muppet is paying my price, so it looks like I'll have to do my best to follow through with my end.

And, seeing as this sort of thing seems to get the Youtube geeks wet, I'll even do an unboxing post so those that don't know what the Behemoth is can get a good look. Personally, what I think you get when you pay your money is a box of what you've bought but you all seem to be masturbating over this kind of thing, so here's some gratification for you.

Please clingfilm the screen, otherwise your dried snail-trail emissions will give everything that special Twilight daytime sparkle.

Starting off, here's a picture of the box. It's reasonably sturdy, and can raise a painful welt on the forehead of random customers who piss me off:


As you can see, it's brownish with a picture on the front and has a price tag. This is the amount of money some random chump or chumpette with a 'Rick Astley is so uber' meme fixation will have to pay. Note it's in Sterling, the only real currency in the world. Why's that, I hear you whine while snorting coke through a straw made of your local monopoly money? By Royal Appointment to the Queen of England, that's why. Don't make me kidnap you and force you to watch Big Brother over and over again.

On to the next picture in our unboxing special episode ... the inner plastic container! Yes folks, included in the price for free is this fetching inner box made of modern plastic which, as we all know, is derived from oil! That's right, in your own little way you are contributing to the war in the Middle East. Actually, you're all responsible for it. Fuckers. Well here it is. The result of your fucking consumer whore lifestyle. Enjoy it, war criminals:

The next picture shows the white metal bits that have to be cleaned and filed and pinned and put together. That's right, it's a lot of work to put a mini together. As it's for olblue, I was tempted to put it in a bag with some superglue and shake it all about and post it off, but it will be painted pink and black so that's enough of the aggro, I suppose. It feels a bit pyrrhic, to be honest, as he's colour blind so it will all look like it's gray anyway. Perhaps he was abducted by aliens and crossed with a skinned chihuahua after being repeatedly probed with a sink. It would explain the baldness. Anyway, the picture:

I've sort of ran out of steam with this. I honestly cannot believe you have the slightest interest in an unboxing but one of the conditions of the commission is to do a stage by stage thing on my blog. You could, of course, buy one yourself and look at it in reality. Oh well. Fills the binary aether, I suppose. It's not like there's a limit to the amount of shit the internet can store.

The next post will have prep details, hints and tips on how to do it properly (i.e. my way) and maybe some other stuff. I was planning on doing a series of reviews on gaming product and an article or two on paint ranges. If I can be bothered. You can comment to let me know what you would like but I probably won't pay any attention to you.

No, I definitely won't pay attention to you. Bastards all.

Rob
Angry at bread, because it doesn't taste like it smells when cooking.