Tangency ahead ...

It's late and I'm listening to the THACO podcast interspersed with Julian Bream playing Joaquín Rodrigo's Concierto de Aranjuez (there's some culture for you fuckers) and attention span problems are hitting. I need to be doing about four or five hobby projects at once. Stupid, yes, but it's how I'm wired. Rather than berate the reader with vitriolic diatribe interspersed with gay sex jokes (hurr u liek it up teh botti), I'll just get on with my latest scheme and what's going on with my Desert Nazis (just switched to Bream playing Bach's Fugue in A Minor).

The Skorne will be coming along (I'm just prepping my Tyrant Commander, a mini that looks like it's been fucking hit with a tattooist's needle it's that fucking pitted), to be followed by some Cataphract Cetratii. These will be speed painted (but hopefully not rushed). I have the mini I'm painting for my fellow pressganger (still in need of prep), Kaelyssa (bloody Matt DiPietro), basic sculpting to learn (blocking forms, correct proportion and the like). Add to this a novel I'm plugging away at in the background and I need one more project to fritter away my life with.

Enter the great devourer.

I know, it would have been better if I had wrote 'Enter the realm of Chaos, your nightmare has just begun' and waffled on about Bolt Thrower and how music was awesome when GW was more open to random projects and added some more gay jokes (u stil liek it up u'r bum) but I'm quite mellow at the moment (must be the music, I'm back to Rodrigo).

My history with GW has been quite odd. I think that the management buy out circa White Dwarf 120-ish was a bad thing, and their propensity to simplify and add space machines to everything pisses me off (not to mention the legal department headed, I'm reliably informed, by the very cliché of a greasy lawyer type) but GW kept the hobby alive during the dark times, and as I hob-nob with the higher-ups of the design studio every now and again (who are all really nice guys), I'm prepared to forgive them. Fuck, they aren't hitting me with a cease and desist and I don't really give two squirts of piss about your opinion on Bloodbowl.

The oddness comes from the fact I have never had a full army of GW's before. There, my shock admission is out in the open. When I played my only two games of 40K (then called Rogue trader) 22 years ago, I got had twice and decided to stick to roleplay. Battle at the Farm, where you could be Crimson Fists or Space Orks. My one game of Warhammer Fantasy came during my quest to paint like his holiness Mike McVey and I played with a friend's gobbos against his Dark Elves.

Then I stopped with the hobby for about 10-12 years. I had seen some of Mike's miniatures in real life (specifically his Heroquest diorama and his Eversor Assassin and Emperor vs. Horus dioramas) and I was shocked at how different they looked in real life. For one, you couldn't see the filligree painted on the Emperor's armour and the colours looked so much more rich and vibrant in reality. I was basing my painting style on the lighter way the models appeared in White Dwarf. So they looked quite bland compared to how the high end painters I desperately wanted to emulate really painted.

Add to that my rather punishing training shedule (8 hours work, 6-8 hours gym and martial arts a day) and there wasn't time to do the hobby any more. However, the great thing about toy soldiers is you can always go back to it. I also have found one of the last minis I ever painted before stopping, a test model for a Chaos army in WFB. Yes, I'll get some pictures so you can have a good chortle, you pack of bastards.

Which brings me to the point of this rather meandering post. I am embarking upon my very first 40K army, and it is Tyranids. The greatest menace the Imperium has ever known, and an archetypal 'horde' army. I have started at the top and got my army leader, the Hive Tyrant. He's huge, far bigger than most generals, and directs the will of the intelligence behind the 'Nids on the battlefield. He's also a bit of a bullet magnet, so I imagine there will be very angry posts on how everyone 'lieks it up teh bum bum' because they can beat me easily.

I'll be at Wargames Inc assembling and painting this army, so if you want to come on down and get or give hints and tips on painting, modelling (miniatures or 3d only please) then pop in for a chat.

I promise not to post about your propensity for receiving the sossage up your brown eye at all.

Honest.

Rob
Angry at ... err ... racism. Yeah, that's always a good one to be angry about

Third Picture Update ...

Well, it's a little after the end of the week, but I have finally remembered the cable for the boss' camera. I also remember that some people like to see your painting set up, what you use to make your art (even if the end result is smeared in the metaphorical monkey poo) - kind of like sneaking a crafty peek at another bloke's cock when you're in a public urinal but less soul destroying than when you see he has some kind of prehensile appendage more suited as the nose of something large, grey and tusked. So here is my mobile painting station. Not for me the unmanly sight of a shoebox or one of those ridiculously expensive rotating paint shelves that look like a load of cake trays bolted onto a piece of plastic pipe, oh no. I have a large Stanley toolbox, as shown below. The twat who mugs me for expensive tools will be in for a shock, I can tell you. Not to mention a fucking hernia.

In this next shot, you can see where I keep the tools of my 'trade'. Immediately apparent is the fact I'm one of those types that has to have everything before I avoid starting a project. Note the clayshaper, greenstuff and greystuff - perfect for sculpting, along with the roll of 15 Gale Force 9 sculpting tools and 1 Games Workshop sculpting tool. GW knife and clippers, GF9 pinning stuff and files, mainly GW brushes (the Army Painter brushes are for pigments). Lots of stuff, eh?

Okay, so let's flip the lid and see what we can see. Well, one big fucking mess and a large roll of wankrag. Doesn't look like a promising start, does it? However, it's best to lay dropper bottles of paint on their sides. Why? Because then you can just roll the tube between your hands to easily mix the paint into a solid colour because there's a larger surface area for the pigment and medium to mix together, plus you don't get wanker's cramp by giving a bazillion pots of paint a quick flick of the wrist. There, not a sexual pun in the whole explanation. On the top is one full set of Vallejo Panzer Aces paints, plus another 9 pots of Vallejo Model colour. So, that's about 57 pots of paint so far ...

So, removing the wankrag, Vallejo and the tube of Daler Rowney Matte Glaze Medium, what do we have left? One full range of Privateer Press Paints, generally referred to with the cunning acronym P3 by those in the know. Developed by Saint Mike McVey, these paints are very reminiscent of the original GW paints (you know, they came in sets - Creature, Colour, Expert etc). With a liquid-based pigment these paints generally have great coverage, but the metallic paints (a bit of a misnomer as there generally aren't metal flakes in the paint, it's usually powdered mica and titanium dioxide) could have benefitted from being a powder-based one, as the GW metallic paints still rule the roost. Still, these paints are designed by my painting hero, so I have to learn how to use them, and use them well - I am an acolyte of the feathered blend, after all. I also have all of the P3 inks (in dropper bottles towards the bottom of the picture) and 2 pots of P3 mixing medium. You can also see my superglue, made by BSI, one full set of GW Foundation paints and a full set of the new GW washes (a great way of taking the skill out of painting, meaning those more mediocre than even I can get great results with neat base coats and washes). With the P3 range having 72 paints and inks, 18 pots in the foundation range and 8 pots of wash, that takes the running total so far to about 155 pots of gunk to paint shit with ...

I can't be arsed to pull all my P3 out of the box so here's the last piccy of my box a touch less empty than before (fnar fnar). In addition to the two pots of pre-mixed colours and the extra pot of wash, there's a paint range that may be unfamiliar to some - the Rackham range. Rackham used to produce some of the best fantasy miniatures ever (and I do mean ever). Then they shifted to pre-painted plastic minis and pissed off their core demographic by dumping the whole range of metals. Their studio painters were the ones who popularised the NMM (Non-Metallic Metal) style of painting, making the 'Eavy Metal painters look average in comparison. Mind you, they didn't have to pump out the amount of models the GW guys did, and the GW guys can produce world class high end paint jobs if they are given the time to. But the Rackham revolution was something special at the time, a revelation in a largely pre-internet community and has had a lasting effect on the look of minis. Gone are the overly bright, cartoonish paint jobs for the connoisseur, replaced with more realistic, subtle and naturalistic schemes. Fuck that shit. I want an escape, not a recreation. Good job too, as I don't have the skill to do all the realistic stuff. So, another 48 pots of paints brings my mobile total to ...

... 205, give or take. Two hundred and five pots of fucking paint, not to mention the 14 or so pots of MiG Pigments, thinner for washes, acrylic resin and pigment fixer for all that realistic weathering I deperately want to be able to do (fuck you, I don't care about what I just said, I can dream about being a good painter and you can't do shit about it). Bear in mind I have a full set of Citadel Colour at home (another 72 ish paints) along with a full set of the original Citadel Colour paints (another 90 or so) and you see my secret addiction, and it isn't shitty anal sex puns. Well over 300 paints. The net result of which is ... someone obsessed with shitty anal sex puns while being a mediocre fucking painter. With a job I appear to be shit at eating away my life I don't have the time to devote to mini painting. Which is why I have turned out a crappy tabletop level model for display:

Lord Tyrant Hexeris, done in the colours of Ron Kruzie's Skorne in the Tale of 4 Gamers article in No Quarter. A very limited palette, trying to get a desaturated look - not much point in all those fucking paints, then. Still, it was reasonably quick to paint and as I burbled on about in an earlier post, it's about the overall look of the army, not the individual model. Good fucking job too. Easier to paint than the Ret scheme done by Matt DiPietro. I should have an army of everyone's favourite desert-dwelling fascist bastards done by the end of the year.

I am finding it hard to motivate myself at the moment. I feel spread a bit too thin, but that might just be my insomnia getting the better of me. I have to change models, to paint a solo for a fellow Pressganger for Christmas, so maybe that will turn out ok. Who knows? Who fucking cares? It's all shit at the end of the day, like every human endeavor - ultimately pointless unless it leads to some form of sexual gratification. And haven't I chosen the perfect way to get the girlies, eh?

Rob
Angry at the lack of available women in his shop

Customary cervix to be resumed presently ...

There has been a bit of a paucity of updates over the last week or so, I know. The reason for this is I had been working my arse off helping organise a wargames show. Like a fucking lead balloon, before you ask. It turns out that the wargames community as a whole (ie you) are a bunch of bastards. That's right, the fault for my failure lies squarely with you and not with me or anything I did wrong.

Still, there's always next year, and hopefully the Warmachine/Hordes community will actually support this one, instead of just one person turning up.

I think Matt DiPietro was in town, so the security closed off all the roads around our area. Fucking celebrities, eh?

On a painty side, I did get the Skorne test model finished. I learned that painting quickly should not mean rushed (I fucked up the skin) and it looks quite ... well, there will be a photo or two in the next update, before the end of the week.

I also have to get a Retribution solo done, finish off Kaelyssa and get another solo painted. However, I have decided to go off on my first 'official' tangent. No, the army painting thing doesn't count - it's in the same universe. This tangent is Big Boris MkII, from Heresy Miniatures. Big boris is sculpted by Andy Foster, and is how barbarians should be. Hugely muscled half ogres the likes of which haven't been seen for ages in this world of too much detail and bizarre action poses (like the Infinity sniper balancing on one fucking leg).

Andy also has the license to produce Thrud miniatures, and also makes the fabled Netherlord II - a half a kilo of metal with the biggest cock you've ever seen on a miniature. Seriously, it's called the 'Netherwang'.

Go buy loads of stuff from him, he's a great bloke and the miniatures are awesome, too.

Rob
Angry at you in particular

Second Picture Update ...

Bit of a lackluster update today (to match the damn model). So, as promised, here are some crappy pictures of my attempt to match the PP studio Retribution paint scheme. Painting while ill, remember, is not a wise thing to do. Of course, it didn't stop me from fucking up my model and not having easy access to Simple Green, I'll most likely toss the model when it's done. Fucking Matt DiPietro, he made it sound so fucking simple - just add 3 drops of Radiant Platinum, 1 drop of Red Ink and 2 of Blue Ink and 3 drops of Armour Wash my fucking arse. I ended up with a green sword and really dark purple metal everywhere else. Why didn't any of you bastards remind me how fucking strong inks actually are? Well, as long as I can amuse you, I suppose.

Here's the first picture, Kaelyssa's sword:

Oh, that dark line isn't fucking shadow, it's the ink I was told to use. For fuck's sake. At least the compression on the .jpg toned down the shine. Perhaps that's why she's such an effective warcaster - her sword blinds her opponents.

What a load of shit, eh? Well prepare yourself: here's the next one, Kaelyssa herself.

So this is the main body. I do tend to be a quite messy painter, tidying up as I go, but bugger me. Not very nice to say the least. Well, actually, that's like gilding a turd. It has made me think, though. While it's nice (ha!) to try to do your best to improve, it's fucking slow going getting an army done. So I have decided to start another project while this one is going on: getting my Skorne onto the tabletop. To do this, I'm going to speedpaint my tits off, and alternate between the two factions. So tomorrow I'll start the prep on some Skorne (I have a fair amount) with a view to having a portion of them ready for undercoating by Sunday. As for the colour scheme, I'll be going for a monochromatic look similar to the film '300'.

That's right, I'll be ripping off Ron Kruzie's idea from No Quarter. Hell, he's the head of the Privateer painting studio, he hired Matt DiPietro so it's his fault I messed up on this model and I can feel no guilt whatsoever stealing his colour scheme.

See? Justification is easy.

Just ask the Bush family.

Rob
Angry because he hasn't had anything to eat yet

First Picture Update

Well, it's a bit of a crappy picture (not enough light) and it turns out Paint.net is not as good as Photoshop (selection tools lick rectum big time) but what the hell. I messed about with levels and the like to get it closer to what it actually looks like but it turned into the same green as Green Stuff (used to make the damn thing). In reality it's a warm green with reddish-brown shading and in the pic it's ... utter bollocks.

I'm trying to get a more naturalistic look, not taking the highlights too high so the armour looks really white (it's actually a really, really pale blue) which should tie in to her dye-job when I paint her hair. Which is why she's wearing a spinach-green cloak (plants are cammo, right?) offset with that stealthiest of colours, bright fucking white. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping on the colour scheme bashing bandwagon (I quite like it) but Matt DiPietro is far better at this lark than I am. He's most likely younger and better-looking than me which makes me want to spew bile like I just drank the world's most potent emetic. Bastards.

White and black are two of the most difficult colours to shade and highlight and thanks to Matt 'Inspirational' DiPietro I've jumped right in - the damn 'jacks are going to be a pain in my ringpiece, lots of smooth surfaces to shade. Mind you, the Ret painting guide in the army book is worth the price alone. That's right, I have an army of these bastards to get through. The plan is to paint every model as well as I can, that way I should improve a bit.

There will be rants aplenty in future, but that's it for this episode. Much Kudos to Matt DiPietro and the Privateer Press painting studio for being inspirational, even if it does make me overreach myself.

First one of you bastards to tell me to 'Paint like I got a pair' gets a half-brick in the fucking face.

Rob
Angry he hasn't got Mike McVey's skills